Some days, when sleep overnight wasn't what I would have wished for, children waking me up at odd hours in the dark, or a late night of the "just one more chapter" game that all avid readers play sometimes, on those days, I feel like there isn't enough coffee in the world to wake me up. And, anyway, if I drink too much coffee, I'm just jittery but not more awake. It's a problem I face often.
Frequently.
I usually just push through it. A cup of coffee or strong tea, a bit of self discipline, and another cup of tea or coffee later in the day. I manage to wake myself up enough to get to work on things, to get the kids to school, to make some art, to get dinner on the table. But as I make myself tea in the afternoon I often wonder: how much is too much exhaustion? Too much drained energy? How much is enough sleep each night to not have several days a week of feeling like I am dragging myself through the day? Will I ever get back to that feeling of being able to wake up fully when I get up that I had until my mid twenties and that disappeared when daughter number two came on the scene? Would I make more or better art if I felt awake? Or would I just keep drawing my coffee cups and coffee pots just because they are there to draw? I've been up since 3:30 when daughter number 3, who is 5 years old, woke up and turned on her light and informed us that it was time to get up. A half hour later, after being told firmly that we have to sleep in the middle of the night, she was back to sleep, and I was wide awake and couldn't fall back to sleep myself. Why is it that at 3:30 in the morning I felt so awake that I couldn't sleep, but too tired to actually get up? Why don't I feel wide awake 2 hours later? I'm too tired to answer these questions. That probably means it's time to go make some coffee.
